The Snail and the Hare

Way back when, in pre-season, we thought the Sour Snails had followed the Draft Primer to a T and set themselves up for a successful season. Four losses (and heading towards another one this week) later, the Snails are struggling. Why? Well, their commitment to small ball seems to be leaving them short each week. But is it small ball that's the problem? Or underperforming players? Let's take a look.

Keep in mind that Snails haven't had Steve Nash in the lineup in WK4; he subsequently played well but was supposed to be hurt. Obviously, a player of Nash's talents would have changed a few things -- at least rankings wise.

PTS, AST, REB: The Snails need to dominate in PTS and AST. Pre-season indications pointed to the fact that they would struggle scoring, and that's been the truth. Iverson is a scoring machine (32 per), Wally Szczerbiak is having a great year (20 per), and Steve Nash has been scoring more than expected (20 per). However, Ron Artest (15), Jason Richardson (16), Stephen Jackson (12) and Mike James (11) have been all been a bit disappointing. This team needs more scoring from everyone, Iverson can't do it all. Passing wise, the bulk of the work was slated to fall to Nash and Iverson. Nash is at an extra-healthy 10.75 assists per game but Iverson is down to about 7 per game, as he no longer runs point guard in Philly. After these two, that's it on the assists front. Mike James averages about 4 per game, and he's the next best passer. That's not gonna do it. Nash can cover a lot of holes, but the Snails need to dominate in AST to at least have a chance of winning. This team is last in REB by a wide margin, but that's by design.

STL, BLK, 3PT: The Snails are excellent at steals. Not outrageous, but excellent. With Larry Hughes still banged up, those STL numbers won't be dominant yet, but Iverson, Jackson, and most of all, Ron Artest (2.8 per) can all pick a pocket. Artest almost has more STL than he does AST (34 to 38). Ridiculous. If Hughes can come back and contribute here, the Snails won't have to worry about the STL category. Shooting from beyond the arc is also a Snails strength. Again, they're not the best team(s) in the league at it, but they are good enough to win most weeks. Blocks? Ha, what blocks?

FG%, FT%, TO: Nobody expects to win FG% with small ball. The Snails have the luxury of not worrying about poor shooting. Iverson, Mike James, S Jackson, J Richardson, M Peterson, and most of all, Ron Artest (38.6%), would be FG% liabilities on any other team -- not this one. You know what's weird? The Snails are ranked in the top three in TO. They don't turn the ball over much. Aside from Iverson and Nash, everyone either (attempts to) put the ball in the bucket or they hold onto the rock. Not bad right? Maybe this is a hidden strength? What isn't a strength, but should be, is the Snails' free throw shooting. A team loaded with guards and shooters should be better than middle of the pack in FT%. Artest, Richardson, and Rudy Gay are all under 70% from the line. Hakim Warrick, Stephen Jackson, and Ryan Gomes aren't much better either. This team needs some standout FT% guys, like you know, ten Steve Nash's (90.7%).

Bench: The bench is young and talented but hardly usable. Martell Webster can shoot the three ball but isn't quite good enough to crack the starting lineup yet. Rajon Rondo, an energizer on the court but not doing a whole lot in very limited minutes. Free agent find Paul Millsap had a huge few games while AK47 was out, but now he's back to the Utah bench. Still, the numbers he put up during that span put a few teams on notice (double doubles with BLK and beautiful percentages). Huge upside here. Larry Hughes has been injured for a few games already, but he was looking resurgent next to Lebron this year. The points, steals, and threes were all coming in bunches before he went down. Normally, if Nash wasn't hurt, Hakim Warrick or Ryan Gomes would be on the bench. Right now Stevie's cheering on the starters.

The Snails had a splendid WK1 with huge PTS, AST, STL and 3PT. Their numbers that week would likely have set new records, and it was all done over only 31 games. Plus they snatched rising star Hakim Warrick off the wire. Since then however, they've been in collapse. Who knew that WK1 would be the closest the Snails come to victory (they lost FT%)? If you only play to win 5 cats, you better win those 5 categories right? Or at least four of them, and take a few losses just due to bad weeks or matchups. Well, the Snails are regularly losing 6-3, meaning they aren't up to par on at least two of their coveted five categories. What can be done to make the Snails a winning team -- which we most certainly thought they would be heading into the season?

Dr Jon says: This team needs a bit of tweaking to win. I'm still a believer in small ball, especially for a team that has so much promise, but the Snails do have a few anchors weighing them down. The key here is to concentrate, really concentrate, on just PTS-AST-STL-3PT-FT%. You know what that means right? Time for some trades! First off, Rudy Gay, Hakim Warrick, Ryan Gomes, and Paul Millsap don't fit this team. They are all talented and up-and-coming, but they don't contribute in the main categories. The Snails should trade their potential for some production if they can. The one the hang onto here is Gay, a rising star who despite terrible shooting numbers, can still contribute in STL (and BLK) even at such a young age. Warrick, Gomes, and Millsap are forwards that do forwardy type things. Not useful here.

Rajon Rondo and Martell Webster? Tough to say. Martell should help soon with his superior shooting, but Rondo isn't much of a scorer and hasn't gotten the playing time to contribute AST or STL. Both are projects in waiting. The biggest disappointment of the season so far is shooting guard Morris Peterson, who has turned into a (poor) three point specialist. Two threes a game is nice, but 40.0% shooting, 12 points a game, and losing the starter's job in Toronto is not. Let's hope Peterson gets a trade out of O'Canada so he can rejuvenate his box scores and become Kevin Martin-lite.

Wally World is playing out of his mind, and maybe he can keep it up, maybe not. It's a toss up here since Wally World is exactly the type of player this team needs. Amazing percentages, great scorer, and doesn't turn the ball over. His value could be at an all time high. I'm not sure what the demand for Wally is, but he's a beast this year.

The Snails need to commit to a plan. Either grow and become balanced, and look forward to a long term plan, or go for broke and keep on tinkering with small ball. The guys with terrible FT% need to go. As much as we love Artest, he has a ton of trade value and terrible FT%. Maybe Artest can be moved? Hughes' return should be able to make up for those awesome STL numbers, and really, Artest shoots so many FT, he's killing this team. Same with Jason Richardson, who is just rounding into shape (and whose all-around game is very valuable and underrated), but his FT% is terrible. His career numbers from the line is 69.2%, and he's worse this year. Artest and Richardson are both legitimate stars and should bring back legitimate stars in return.

Every player on this roster needs to help out the team without detracting from it in order for the Snails to win. The main need is to crank those PTS up. Find another 20+ point scorer and trade for him --- and make sure he can hit good FT%. In addition, all of the supporting cast needs to put up good 3PT, STL, or AST. Warrick and Gomes should not be in the lineup; to be fair, those are Nash and Hughes' spots -- their return could help a lot. But it's maybe time to focus on PG and SG and shooting types in trades or free agency. Snatch the best players available off the wire, but then move them for useful parts. One more pass first point guard would help secure AST too.

This team isn't terrible by any stretch of the imagination, and we think that the foundation is there for a winner.

The trade I'd look to target? Richardson or Artest for Rip Hamilton and Jarrett Jack. And then go find a dominant 3PT guy, maybe even Raja Bell or Quentin Richardson, if Eric-A will part with either one. Rip will score and hit free throws, Jack will add STL, AST, and great FT% also. Makes sense for both teams. The other player this team needs is Barbosa, if they can get him.


And in the spirt of the holidays, here's a shopping list for the Snails:

High end: Vince Carter, Lamar Odom, Ray Allen, Michael Redd, Chauncey Billups

Mid range: Leandro Barbosa, Kevin Martin, Mike Bibby, Deron Williams, Antawn Jamison, Caron Butler, Andre Iguodala, Ben Gordon, Manu Ginobili, Corey Maggette, Sam Cassell, Rip Hamilton, Jarrett Jack, Luke Ridnour, Mike Miller, Monta Ellis, Kirk Hinrich, Andres Nocioni, Ricky Davis, Steve Francis, Raja Bell, Quentin Richardson

Low: JR Smith, Cuttino Mobley, Fred Jones, Mo Williams, Kyle Korver, Derek Fisher, Tyronne Lue, Damon Jones, Sebastien Telfair, Marcus Williams, Chucky Atkins, David Lee, Earl Boykins

Recap: Week 4

Inter-Conference Games
4-4, Rhythm Drive vs Chunky Monkeys
7-2, MoRRie's Pogiboys vs Sour Snails
Conference Games
6-3, Funk Coalition vs Phanatics
5-4, The Poobic Heirs vs Pooh Bears
6-3, Fat Jubas vs Buffy
7-2, Squirtle Squad vs Human Amoebas
(statistics)

4-4, Rhythm Drive vs Chunky Monkeys
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie! The first time in league history belongs to Reno and Evan. The category? Blocks! With 32 blocks each, the two teams faced off and came away even. Maybe Andris Biedrins (15 blocks) might have helped the Monkeys? Whoops. Biedrins 50 REB might have helped the Monkeys secure a win too. Fire the coach! The Rhythm Drive are one of the biggest teams in the league, you don't think they can REB and BLK you to death? Was going small the way to beat them? Apparently not this week.

Looking deeper into the numbers, the two teams competed hard in PTS, AST, and TO -- with each category being determined by a handful of stats. Reno's big man Dwight Howard is starting to assert himself, with 18.5 PTS, 14.25 REB, and 1.5 BLK on the week. Way to go and get a historic tie guys! Parade on Main Street next week?

7-2, MoRRie's Pogiboys vs Sour Snails
What happens when you pitch two desperate hungry dogs against each other? Well, if it's anything like this week's game betwen Alvin and Trieu, one dog gets eaten. The Pogiboys secured their first win of the season behind a 5 GP difference and some good play (finally) from Chauncey Billups (9.5 AST a game, 2 3PT) and Elton Brand (13.5 REB, 1.5 BLK). Neither are scoring much, but at least they led the way to a victory right? Let the good times roll!

For the Snails, the season is starting off at a, well, snail's pace. Four straight losses and Steve Nash (mistakenly) sitting on the bench last week. Morris Peterson got 9 points in one game before sitting out. Ron Artest tallied 22 PTS, 11 REB, 5 STL and oh, 28.6% FG before taking a seat after two games. This team is in trouble. At least Jason Richardson is showing signs of life with 17.25 PTS, 5.25 REB, 1.5 3PT and almost 5 AST a game. Richardson's gonna have to step up, way up, to help Iverson and Nash get that sour losing taste out of their mouths.

7-2, Squirtle Squad vs Human Amoebas
From one beat-down to another. The Squirtles dispatched the Amoebas quite handily this week. When it came to game time, Brian's players were just more clutch I guess. They narrowly won in AST-STL-BLK-FTP and showed some poise near the end. The Amoebas made it interesting late -- Raja Bell hit 20 3PT this week, 20! -- but they ultimately fell short. Is it time to call out the bust alert on Ben Wallace? Where's his headband? What's going on here? And the crown for early season MVP, based on this win, sits firmly on Carlos Boozer's head. Can he get any better? 25.5 PTS, 12 REB and 62.3 FG%. Zach Randolph who? And look at that, the other Jazz on the Squirtles, Deron Williams (9.75 AST) is starting to hit threes again (7 3PT). Rise of the Squirtles?

Btw, I love David Lee. A white guy who gets 10 PTS, 10 REB and 1.5 STL in a game? And he doesn't even start! He also shoots well from the field and the line. Trade for him Danny Ainge! I'll start the fan club!

6-3, Funk Coalition vs Phanatics
It's a shoot out! Well, sort of. The Funk Coalition match up against the Phanatics very well, since they have such high PTS, AST, STL and 3PT numbers. The Phunk can beat you if you aren't on your game scoring or rebounding, but they don't do enough of the little things to take out a team like Funk, especially if Funk's going to fire on all cylinders with Kyle Korver dropping in 10 3PT, Carmelo 125 PTS, and Lebron adding a little bit of everything. The Phanatics had a decent week, but they weren't overly explosive and finished out dominating only in REB, which is a moot point in this matchup.

6-3, Fat Jubas vs Buffy
The Jubas are proving to the world that they belong on top with an even handed drubbing of Buffy. Despite narrowly losing in PTS (by 6), Jubas came up big in just about every other category. How about those 132 assists! Nearly ten a game from Wade, a big handful from Tracy McGrady and Andre Iguodala (16.75 PTS, 8.75 REB, 5.25 AST, 3.25 STL and 1.5 3PT this week), and that's enough to overtake Buffy -- sans Baron Davis. Speaking of Baron, he lost a few games to injury and Buffy lost. Coincidence? Maybe not, we'll see how they fare when Baron returns. Who's more important to this squad? Chris Paul or the Baron?

5-4, The Poobic Heirs vs Pooh Bears
These two, owners of the fourth and fifth round picks in the draft squared off for the first time. Let's start by comparing the incomparable Matrix with the Black Mamba, aka Kobe Bryant. Marion had a "bad" week (16.5 PTS, 8.5 REB, 2.5 STL, 1.25 STL and only 4 3PT) while Kobe's finally rounding into superior form (28.6 PTS, 5.33 REB, 5.66 AST and 4 3PT). Which one would you rather have? Hard to lose with either one right?

It looks like Kobe's (fantasy) supporting cast is stellar this year. Following their leader's example, swingmen Ricky Davis, Kevin Martin, Caron Butler, and the amazing Monta Ellis are dominating foes. Monta can pass, score and swipe. That's a triple threat. The "new" K-Mart shoots, shoots, and well, shoots. Caron does it all, and so does Ricky -- plus pout. And you want a taste of big men? How about the best center in the game, Yao Ming, paired with vanilla Andrew Bogut and anything-but-vanilla Rasheed Wallace? And oh look, Devin Harris is itching for some playing time off the pine.

The Heirs should have beat the Pooh Bears by more than just one category actually. They narrowly missed out in AST and STL -- then again, they barely won in BLK and TO. So I guess this game was the game of the week right? The Bears are hurting with AK47 down and out (we seem to say this every week), and maybe Pau Gasol is the answer, but he's a long way off from returning. For now, it's still the Matrix show for the Pooh Bears.

Stuffed?

Gotta love blogs that focus solely on one subject -- in our case, fantasy basketball. It just points to an one minded obsession that we all know and love. What's your fantasy routine each day? Does it involve opening up ten different tabs in Firefox and then quickly get out ESPN, CNNSI, etc. I find that my attention span lasts about ten seconds per page. The only things I'll stop to read is The Daily Dime, the box scores, my weekly matchup information, and then maybe research a few free agents. Of course, I do this five times a day, but so what, I'm not addicted.

The Fantasy Basketball blog has an interesting write up about the use of bench spots.

Jubas, hungry...

We said previously that the Fat Jubas would need a doctor and some point guards who can pass. Well, with a 2-1 record, how's their team shaping up now? For one, there have been no major injuries, and the big three of Wade, McGrady and Jermaine O'Neal have stayed healthy and that's great to hear for Jubas fans.

PTS, AST, REB: We thought that the Jubas would be hurting in the AST department with only Tony Parker and Leandro Barbosa as point guards -- neither of which are known for their passing. Well, it seems like the AST problem won't be a big deal after all -- the Jubas rank 4th in the league -- since Parker, Barbosa, Wade, and McGrady all average close to six assists per game. Nobody expected Barbosa to drop dimes like this, and he's helped push the team's passing numbers above respectability. And since Barbosa is scoring like a madman (20 a game), he allows the Jubas to rank 5th overall in PTS despite some sub-par early season performances. A slight disappointment here is Jermaine O'Neal, who's only averaging 16 ppg -- he's usually above 20. But at least Jermaine is holding it down in REB for the team, but he's only averaging 8 per game, and nobody else on this roster is a strong rebounder, leaving the team at 9th in REB.

Maggette and Zaza Pachulia, are strangely, nearly the same players fantasy wise -- 15 pts, 7 reb, with Zaza having great FG% and Maggette better FT%. Of course, Maggette looks a hundred times cooler and has a lot more street cred -- and arguably a better command of the English language since he attend Duke, if only for a bit.

STL, BLK, 3PT: Where Jermaine excels so far in this early season is blocks, he's killing with over 3.7 BLK a game, and if he keeps that up, who cares about the lower scoring output. With Darko (2 BLK a game) and O'Neal playing great help defense around the rim, the Jubas are easily ranked 2nd in the league for BLKs. They're also close to the top tier in STL, ranking 7th in the league -- which can be a bit misleading because just about a dozen steals separate the top five STL teams in the league. Barbosa, Wade, and McGrady are all ballhawks and Parker and Igoudala aren't half bad either. The Jubas do have a definite lack of outside shooting -- they're 10th in 3PT -- and only Barbosa (2.7 per) and McGrady (1.3) have the eagle eye from afar. Nobody else on this team averages even half a three per game.

FG%, FT%, TO: With a diverse cast of characters on the roster, Eric-L has kept an alert eye on maintaining his percentages. He's about middle of road in both categories (7th and 8th respectively). There are no terrible shooters on this team (maybe Darko's 48.1 FT%, but I doubt he gets to the line that much) so those numbers should hold steady. Tony Parker has definitely dropped down from his otherworldly 54.8 FG% of last year -- probably because he shoots more -- though he still contributes a sterling 49.7%. Where this team is absolutely horrific is in turnovers. They're second-to-last in TO since even their bigs turn over the ball quite a lot, while their primary ball handlers (Wade and McGrady) try to do so much that they can't help but have few flubs. But you gotta take the good with the bad right?

Bench: The bench here is mostly that, a bench. Primoz Brezec has barely played, Al Jefferson is hurt, Tyrus Thomas is tantalizing but not quite here yet, and Josh Howard has been good, but also injured -- pressing last round pick LaMarcus Aldridge into service. Aldridge has been useful, but he's still young and earning steady playing time. Once Howard returns, he'll add some nice all-around numbers to the mix. As for the last bench spot, it's been the Carlos Arroyo show early on, but after a spirited first two weeks, Jameer Nelson has re-asserted himself as the point guard on the Magic and Arroyo is back to limited minutes. But the dude sure can play can't he? Watch out if he starts to get minutes again.

Overall, the Fat Jubas are performing at about the rate we expected, and actually, probably a bit better because nobody saw the explosion that was Leandro Barbosa. He's single handedly pushing the team above and beyond in PTS, AST and 3PT -- if he maintain that, the Jubas are in great shape. Wade and McGrady are superior all around players, and there are nice specialist pieces here. This team can hang with most of the big boys in key categories like PTS, AST and the %s, while dominating in BLK. They'll have to try squeezing out wins in REB and/or STL and that might involve some nifty match up work -- which won't happen until the bench gets healthy. They are tremendously weak in TO and 3PT, but few teams are great all-around. Maybe Eric-L will move to give his team some added strength in one of his middle of the pack categories (he's one of the few teams to not made any waiver moves yet), we'll just have to see won't we?

Recap: Week 3

Inter-Conference Games
5-3, Phanatics vs Morrie's Pogiboys
6-3, Squirtle Squad vs Sour Snails

Conference Games
5-4, Rhythm Drive vs PoohBears
5-4, Buffy vs Funk Coalition
7-2, Chunky Monkeys vs Fat Jubas
7-2, Human Amoebas vs Poobic Heirs
(statistics)

5-3, Phanatics vs Morrie's Pogiboys
It's not looking good for the Pogiboys. A lot of teams in this league can't score, but if they can't score, they should be able to have a decent FG% right? Not the case with the Pogiboys. With the Phanatics powerful PTS and REB combo, this was going to be a hard fought battle over the smaller categories and as it turns out, the Pogiboys just couldn't hit enough 3PT or shoot well enough from the field to win. The only bright spot here is the recent inspired play of Sebastien Telfair (12.5 PTS, 5.5 AST, 54.8 FG%). The Phanatics were short-handed without David West (in the lineup) and Richard Jefferson (not in the lineup) this week but still had enough firepower to rack up a win.

6-3, Squirtle Squad vs Sour Snails
Another team in a 0-3 hole to start the season is the Snails, whose predicted breakneck pace has led to no victories. The injury to Steve Nash probably has something to do with it (plus a few GP down), but what about the last two weeks? Iverson seems to be playing with no support on the offensive front, aside from sweet shooting Wally Szczerbiak. This team already lives and dies by the sword, so far it's dying. The Squirtles turn in a very nice week and has to be loving the development of young guys like Nenad Krstic (18.5 PTS, 6.5 REB per), Deron Williams (23 PTS, 9.5 AST per), Kendrick Perkins (7.25 REB, 2.75 BLK), and newly acquired "The (White) Hustler," David Lee. The Squirtles seem to be gelling, like Magellan.

5-4, Buffy vs Funk Coalition
While it's too early to call this a marquee matchup, it sure was a high powered one. Both teams are crazy explosive and as it turns out, Buffy edges the Funk by 2 BLK, 6 TO, or a few free throws made. Funk had a late flurry on Saturday but in the end, fell short. The main difference here was the unbelievable distance shooting from Buffy. Rashard Lewis, JR Smith, and Jamal Crawford dialed in (28 3PT combined) and bombed the Coalition off the court. Baron Davis was super healthy this week (66 PTS, 32 AST, 5 STL, sterling %s), while his Funk counterpart, Rafer Alston struggled mightily (12 PTS, 2 AST per). It was close, but Buffy walks away with the victory; just like Ohio State.

5-4, Rhythm Drive vs PoohBears
Displaying huge rebound numbers (224 REB) and even bigger turnover numbers (79 TO), Reno's big jolly giant of a team shows off its ability to hit from the field (51.5 FG%), rebound the few misses, and then outlet it right to an opponent. Not quite shades of Bill Russell but it's a winning formula! Rhythm Drive had a very solid week with contributions all around as everyone did what they're supposed to do on their way to a second victory. Rookie Adam Morrison dropped in an encouraging 19 PTS per. He's the unemployed man's Larry Bird!

The Pooh Bears, on the other hand, are hurting. AK47 has shot blanks so far this season and now he's really injured. Andre Miller, Shawn Marion, and Mike Bibby have been spectacular, but they can hardly do it alone. Typically, this team should win FG% (49.8%) but they lost by a hair to the one team that out-shot them this week. Without AK anchoring the defense, the Pooh Bears aren't winning STL and BLK; and they aren't built to slug it out on the boards or by trading baskets. Let's get some defense in here!


7-2, Human Amoebas vs Poobic Heirs
The Amoeba are rolling. Threatening to take out anything in their way, the Amoeba dropped in league leading PTS and REB this week, witih plenty of other goodies too. Dirk finally found his stroke (27 PTS per) and Jason Kidd was well, Jason Kidd (18.5 PTS, 7.25 REB, 8.75 AST, 2 STL, 1.5 3PT per). And is Rip having an outstanding season or what? 26 PTS, 6 REB, 4 AST and a three pointer a game this week; that's pretty nice for just a "shooter." The Poobic Heirs had a pretty nice week themselves, but with only two games from Kobe and Kevin Martin -- and more importantly, Monta Ellis on the bench -- they just didn't have enough offensive firepower to keep up with the Amoebas. Yao Ming is dominating this season (24 PTS, 11 REB, 3.67 BLK per this week) but that wasn't enough this week. Are the Amoebas like the 1999 Rams? Is Zach Randolph Kurt Warner?

7-2, Chunky Monkeys vs Fat Jubas
Never underestimate the strength of a monkey! Despite reports to the contrary, the Monkeys are alive and well. They're gonna take out conference rival Fat Jubas by a comfortable margin. They still can't pass or hit free throws but by going big, they're dominating the glass, blocking shots, and heck, even draining the three. They're like Rasheed Wallace on motivation! It's still the Emeka Okafor for MVP campaign as he's doing the work of five men (23 PTS, 11 REB, 4 BLK, 2 STL per) . The only down note here is that Charlie V is down for a few weeks. The Jubas had the Wade and McGrady show, but everyone else is faltering, big time -- oh except for Leandro Barbosa, who is now getting even more opportunites with Nash's injury.

Chunky Soup

How different a 0.500 record can mean dependig on the team. The Amoebas are 1-1 and on the way up; the Chunky Monkeys are 1-1 and seemingly in trouble. Why?

PTS, REB, AST: The first big problem area here? Putting the ball in the basket. The Monkeys are ranked 9th in PTS despite having talented scorers like Gilbert Arenas, Tim Duncan, Charlie Villanueva, and Jason Terry. Even Emeka Okafor has shown an unexpected strong scoring hand this season at 18 ppg. So why so low? Because the supporting cast can't/won't score. Proving that depth is certainly important, the Monkeys lower caliber guys don't put in very many points. Manu Ginobili is the main culprit here, putting in a putrid 13 ppg -- how do you say "a bit more Manu!" in Castilian? At least the Monkeys can go get all those rebounds coming off the glass; they're ranked 3rd in REB and could easily be better. Strangely, despite a plethora of point guards, they can't pass worth a lick (ranked 9th). That's probably because outside of Shaun Livingston, none of the little guys (Smush, Mo Williams, Terry) are really pure point guards. Of course, Arenas drops 7 dimes a game, but he can't do it all by himself. Actually, without Agent Zero, this team would be even worse off in PTS and AST. Shudder.

STL, BLK, 3PT: The Monkeys are easily first in the league in BLK and a strong 4th in 3PT. Let's talk about those blocks. It's pretty much all Okafor (3.5). Duncan -- not to mention Josh Smith -- should pick up his BLK numbers a bit more but until then, Okafor is enough to lead the way. Free agent acquisition Andris Biedrins is adding fuel to the fire since he's a monster BLK guy too, but his skills might be overkill on this team. The strength in 3PT should continue. Arenas, Terry, J Smith and a surprising Danny Granger should help to spread the floor. What they don't do is swipe the ball. The Monkeys are ranked 9th here too. The second highest STL guy on this team, aside from Arenas, is Charlie Villanueva -- he's a power forward on a team full of guards. That's not good. Plus, it looks like Evan is dumping his plethora of guards for some big guys (new lineup), so the STL numbers will drop even further.

TO, FG%, FT%: Why's Timmy D turning the ball over to the tune of four per game? Despite Duncan's atrocious TO numbers, the rest of this team protects the rock enough to rank the Monkeys fourth in TO. The biggest problem here is shooting. As in, the Monkeys can't hit a thing. 10th in FG% and dead last in FT%. The latter can be attributed to Duncan and Okafor, who combine to make for a truckful of bricks from the line. The terrible shooting from everywhere else? Blame Manu, Smush, Livingston and Mo -- all four shoot under 40% each. Duncan and Okafor don't miss (aside from the line) and Charlie V, Granger, and Jason Terry are shooting very well so far but their fine eyes for the basket is being dragged down by that awful quartet.

On the bright side, it looks like the worst of it is over as Smush, Shaun, and Mo are going to the bench, which should translate to better FG% and well, still terrible FT%.

Bench: Previously, Andris Biedrins was sitting pretty on the bench next to virtual non-factors like Marquis Daniels and a flood of waiver picks up like Sasha Pavlovic, Antoine Wright, Kenny Thomas, and Damon Jones. Now Biedrins and Sasha are in the lineup and Smush, Shaun, and Mo take a seat. Let's see if that helps.

Well, it looks like we've talked about Gilbert Arenas alot hunh? He's responsible for keeping this team even semi-competitive in PTS, AST, STL and 3PT. But here's what's funny, the clear strength of the team is everything that Arenas doesn't do. The front line of Duncan, Okafor, and potentially, Josh Smith are suited for dominating a game through defense, should the Chunky Monkeys become the Shut-Down Monkeys?

Dr Jon says: I say "Yes!" It looks like the Monkeys have been playing all the wrong people. Take out all those shooting guards who can't pass or hit threes -- or shoot for that matter. Dump them on the bench, or better yet, other owners. Smush, Shaun, and Mo have value, just not on this team. What I would do is try to build on the Monkeys' strengths and stop fighting some of the big weaknesses. They are close to the top in REB, BLK, TO and 3PT. Push those four categories to the max. Then work on that FG%. It's ranked 10th now but with the subtraction of some poor shooters, that number can rise high -- maybe even to the top of the league.

Heck, even Jason Terry and Manu Ginobili might not be good fits here. Okay, Terry is okay if he keeps hitting at a 48.8% clip, but Manu needs to go. Bring that FG% radically up, cut down on TO, and move for shooters who can hit 3PT and maintain a good percentage.

Here's the thing, as great as Arenas is, he could be all wrong for this team. He shoots like crazy but would be far better replaced by another big man (like Elton Brand) or maybe a Michael Redd or Ray Allen type. In fact, Rashard Lewis would do too, since he hits major 3PT at a good percentage, and he can rebound. Arenas could have some major trade value if Evan really wants to turn his team around.

The other guy I'd look to move, aside from Manu and his crew of poor marksman is Danny Granger. Granger is a talent but his 11 3PT might be a mirage (5 in one game). Granger has a nice all-around game and high potential, but is currently just a younger Shane Battier. In order to guarantee wins, this team might need some dramatic lineup changes, and to re-think their way of doing things. And it would sure help if Josh Smith started to do something special.

Trail Blazing

A closer look at the Human Amoebas, who seemed to have some holes heading into the season, but now is looking like a well balanced winning machine. Sure they're "only" 1-1 but their first loss was a very close one, and they've played the fewest games in the league so far. Let's take a look at the secrets to the Amoeba's early success.

PTS, REB, AST: The Amoebas currently rank 5th in PTS, 4th in REB, and 10th in AST. This isn't bad right? Most weeks they'll have better than a 60% chance to take PTS and/or REB. What seemed to be a scoring deficiency in the pre-season is now a strength, mainly behind the surprising Zach Randoph (27 ppg) and the even more surprising Quentin Richardson (18.5 ppg). This is being accomplished without the full services of Rip Hamilton and to an extent, Nowitzski -- neither of which have hit their peaks yet. And look out for Amare and Raja, two slow starting Suns who could heat up soon. They Amoebas can clean the glass too, with Randolph, Dirk, Kidd, Stoudemire, and once again, Q Richardson leading the way. Their passing numbers are a bit low, since outside of great AST men Jason Kidd (9 per) and Jarrett Jack (6.6 per) they rest of the team is composed of veritable black holes.

STL, BLK, 3PT: Speaking of Jarrett Jack, that man is a thief, to the tune of 2.6 STL per game. That picks up the slack for the rest of the team, especially for Ben Wallace and Jason Kidd, who have both been somewhat disappointing with their steals numbers. No matter, the Amoebas are still ranked 6th in STL. Surprisingly, they are only 9th in BLK. Big Ben, Dirk, and Amare should be enough to clean this category but all three are rejecting rates at a sub-par level. We look for that to change in the upcoming weeks. Another hypothetical strong point, outside shooting, is also lagging for the Amoebas in the early going. Distance shooters Raja Bell, Q, and Dirk should hit enough threes to elevate the team to more than 9th in 3PT; so far, Dirk hasn't been living up to his end of the bargain -- hitting only one per game. But again, he should pick up as the season progresses.

TO, FG%, FT%: Here's where the Amoebas will take a lot of their wins. They rank 2nd in TO and FG%, and first in FT%. That's three almost automatic category wins each week. Throw in their above average-ness in the other six areas and they should be able to win a whole lot of games; especially if Q and Zach can keep this up.

Bench: It's all young, old, and injured here. Andrea Bargani is clearly at least a year away. Michael Finley and Marko Jaric are okay, but doubtful to crack the lineup. Chris Duhon can add something to the mix, but he's wildly inconsistent. And young Marvin Williams is just looking to get off the injured list and onto the floor.

With a team of single minded (accurate) shooters and excellent specialists, the Amoebas are looking like a contender. It's hard to compete with their strength in the three "forgotten" categories; plus they have major upside in 3PT and BLK, not to mention the possible return to form by Amare to look forward too. All this and franchise player Dirk Nowitzski hasn't exploded yet. How far would a Zach-Dirk combo carry this team? I guess we'll find out sooner rather than later.

Recap: Week 2

Inter-Conference Games
7-2, Fat Jubas vs Rhythm Drive
6-3, Buffy vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
6-3, Phanatics vs Squirtle Squad
6-3, The Poobic Heirs vs Sour Snails

Conference Games
6-3, Funk Coalition vs Chunky Monkeys
6-3, Human Amoebas vs PoohBears
(statistics)


7-2, Fat Jubas vs Rhythm Drive
After a close win last week, Reno couldn't quite avoid a whacking in Week 2. With only 25 games played (due to injuries to Brad Miller, Kenyon Martin, and Raymond Felton), he was doomed to a loss early on. But hey, at least Chris Bosh is still a monster (21 PTS, 13 REB, 1.3 BLK avg). Eric-L jumps out to a quick 2-0 record with this win and yes, Leandro Barbosa is still going (and going) and it looks like there's no stopping him. 21 PTS, 7 AST and 3 3PT per game. This year's Boris Diaw? How about the mini-Iverson?

6-3, Buffy vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
Ridiculous. There's really no other way to describe Buffy's week. They blew up to the tune of 676 PTS, 234 REB, 140 AST, 45 STL, and 42 3PT. They had five players average over 20 points per game (B Davis, A Jamison, J Johnson, R Lewis, C Paul), and Jamal Crawford wasn't too far off either. When you're hot, you're hot! His opponent, Alvin, is ice cold right now with two losses to open the season, but at least he's showing signs of recovery. Elton and Chauncey are still slumping, but Marbury is rounding into shape -- a little. Slow and steady wins the race. Pogiboys never say die!

6-3, Phanatics vs Squirtle Squad
While the Squirtles squeaked out a close win last week, the Phanatics lost due to a lack of defense. Forget about PTS and REB, the Phanatics will win those, while losing grandiosely in AST most weeks. Despite having an outstanding shooting week, Brian's team fell a bit short in the FG% department (0.471 vs 0.477). Ray Allen's slight drop off from his usual sterling percentages might have something to do with that; or maybe it was Earl Watson, Earl Boykins, and Brandon Roy's misfires. Either way, both teams go to 1-1 on the season, with Ping getting a great week from Al Harrington (88 PTS, 24 REB). What's up with Marcus Camby though? It's hard to complain about 10-10 with 1.2 STL and 2.0 BLK, but it's fair to say that a little more is expected out of him.

6-3, The Poobic Heirs vs Sour Snails
It's a tightrope dance that the Snails play each week, having to take every one of their five categories to win. This week, they lost out in PTS, AST and STL as Nash and Iverson cooled down. In fact, Trieu's whole roster seemed to take the week off. While the Snails caught their breath, The Poobic Heirs took the opportunity to pour in 572 PTS, 222 REB, and 31 BLK, along with sterling percentages. While Kobe is still playing it cool and slick (only 21 ppg), Yao Ming has decided that he's ready to become Most Dominant Ever. Ming poured in 116 PTS, 45 REB, 10 BLK, 55.7 FG% and 90.3 FT% on his way to his first MVP season. The (Far) Eastern son rises.

6-3, Funk Coalition vs Chunky Monkeys
What was touted as a tight game turned into a blowout as Funk blew up to the tune of 678 PTS, 139 AST, 46 STL, 39 3PT and high percentages. In fact, subtracting away Buffy's 4 extra GP, this might have been, arguably, the best week by a team so far this season. With Lebron, Carmelo (35 ppg), and Redd (37 ppg) cooking, the Coalition coalesced. The Chunk didn't do too badly themselves as Gilbert Arenas (29.5 PTS, 6.5 AST, 2 STL, 3 3PT per) and Tim Duncan did their part to fight for a win but in the end, it wasn't quite enough. Special commendation goes to Emeka Okafor, who averaged 23 PTS, 16 REB, and 2.67 BLK for the week.

6-3, Human Amoebas vs PoohBears
The Amoebas were pissed that they lost last week by a narrow margin and weren't about to let it happen again. With Dirk and Zach Randolph leading the way -- the two of them average 56 PTS, 21 REB together -- the Amoebas are flexing their muscles. Even with Raja and Rip ailing, they had enough to hold off the Pooh Bears, who put up some resistance but ultimately, resistance is always futile... Jose has to be worried about the slow start by AK47 and now Andrei's dinged up? Aside from that though, the Pooh Bears are looking solid across the board so they'll take this one loss and on with the show! Pooh Bears never say "Pooh-bic!"

Making Moves

Since it's early in the season, everyone's looking for the waiver wire gems sitting out there ready to help our team. Here's a quick look at what's been happening on the add/drop side of things.

West
The Sour Snails have been busy busy men, doing their very best to find the right pieces for their explosive lineup. Already they've made five waiver moves and have cut Fred Jones, Ruben Patterson, and Luther Head from their initial draft class. Head was replaced by Hakim Warrick (big upgrade) while Jones and Patterson's spots had been given away to Tim Thomas and Martell Webster. Since Timmy-T has cooled off signifcantly, management cut his ass in order to bulk up with 11-for-11 Fabricio Oberto.



All other teams in the West have made at least two waiver moves. Funk Coalition cut a beloved Celtic (Delonte West) and gained a Laker, Andrew Bynum. Darius Miles was released before the first game of the season for conduct unbecoming a basketball player. Rounding out the Funk roster is rookie Randy Foye, who has already been on the rosters of three teams (just like in real life!). It's not that we don't love you Randy, just get some damn playing time already. Rumors swirl daily that GM Yang is looking to cut some more dead weight very soon -- and oop, there goes Eddie Jones for Chucky Atkins.

The Jubas released the Pride of Puerto Rico, Carlos Arroyo, early on for Bulls rookie Thabo Sefolosha. However, he soon realized that there were more Puerto Ricans in his fan base than Swiss, so he let plain jane American Shelden Williams go (the fan base for undersized Duke power players is currently in Utah cheering on C Boozer) and snatched up Arroyo again. Viva le Puerto Rico! Andale andale!

Buffy was one of the previous owners of Randy Foye but he was quickly dropped for Luke Walton, the pride of San Diego. Despite one of the NBA's least intimidating tattoos ever (outside of Greg Ostertag's Fred Flintstone tattoo), Luke has proven his worth and taken the spot of unknown 76ers rookie Rodney Carney. Who? Exactly. American-European star Anthony Parker has come across the big ocean to replace Jarvis Hayes, who's real claim to fame is that he's currently the sixth-or-seventh best player on the Wizard's "Big Three" lineup. We'd say upgrade on both moves.

Finally, Evan dumped the ever underachieving Eddie Griffin for solid but unspectacular Kenny Thomas, pushed Donyell Marshall out the door (for Sasha Pavlovic) and then stole Andris Biedrins -- and his many blocks -- right out from under the rest of the league's owners' noses. See ya Martell Webster, hello Andris! If only Biedrins (who is from Latvia) would wear a mask like his teammate Troy Murphy, we could dub him "Dr Doom!" Actually, his countrymen just call him "Richie Rich." Biedrins is currently the youngest millionaire in his country -- and already an inspiration to young ballplayers, Latvian IRS agents, and career criminals everywhere.

East
You know who used to own Andris Biedrins? The Pogiboys. They picked him up to replace Joel Pryzbilla early on but decided that no Latvians would ultimately allowed on their team. The aging Kurt Thomas was brought on board but Biedrins' play might make that a bad move. Either way, K Thomas was released to make room for Tyronn Lue. Lue's breakout day last week showed the Pogiboy's Speedy Claxton the way to the Hawks bench. My question is, who gets to don Spud's jersey for special occassions? Lue or Claxton? (And no, Nate Robinson doesn't get to wear it unless he's traded to Atlanta).

One guy that Alvin wanted to draft, but never did, all-around talent Jalen Rose (always a Pogiboy in years past) was snatched up by The Poobic Heirs. Was there any doubt that Rose would at some point in his career play for a team with the name "Poobic Heirs?" None in my mind. Safe, and vanilla, shooter JJ Redick was unceremoniously cut by Oliver and with a wink and a laugh, new Phoenix Sun Jalen Rose was added to the roster.


Which player would you rather have? Up-and-coming Etan Thomas? Or up-and-down Kendrick Perkins? Well, Thomas is doubling up Kendrick's season stats in PTS, REB and BLK, so it looks pretty easy. Of course, it's really a crapshoot which one will be better in the long run but when in doubt, go with the Brian Grant clone (hair wise anyway) -- which the Squirtle Squad did.

The big mover and shaker from across the Rockies? It's Reno, who's really a Californian by now, as he's shown by his willingness to bring down the axe on Jordan Farmar, Kyle Lowry, and Randy Foye -- thus setting Foye toward his path of one night stands. In return, the Rhythm Drive has taken on the unguaranteed contracts for Sarunas Jasikevicius, Nate Robinson, and Ronnie Turiaff (who unseated Juan Dixon recently). What Reno should have done was to draft a doctor, as Brad Miller and Kenyon are undergoing what might prove to be difficult surgeries. Someone get this team an ambulance.


Three teams have decided that they need no help whatsoever: The Pooh Bears, the Human Amoebas, and the Phanatics. With no waiver moves, all three of these teams are declaring that they are ready to play with what they drafted. Showing tremendous patience and the rock steady hand of a true gambler, Jose, Eric-A, and Ping are going for team chemistry. Will names like Michael Finley, Ronnie Brewer, and Nene hit the wavier wire soon? Can any of these teams go through the season without making any roster moves? Only time will tell.

The Big Sleep

Mid-week stats

It hurts to be hurt. Reno's finding this out as two of his main men on the inside, Brad Miller and Kenyon Martin, go down with injuries and play not even one game. Ouch. Reno's got only 17 games played so far and that's gonna doom him to a loss. In more GP news, Oliver is trouncing Trieu on the strength of a 7-game gap. However, Trieu is always dangerous and despite being down so many games, has the edge in AST, and is within striking distance of PTS, STL and 3PT, so a big comeback could be in order.

Here's who won't be coming back: Alvin. Through no fault of his own, the Pogiboys are on the ropes as Roger is going OFF. 529 PTS, 178 REB, 114 AST, 34 STL with 33 3PT, and we still have two days worth of games to go. Ridiculous. Joe Johnson, Baron Davis, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, and Chris Paul are all having stellar weeks and that's going to push Buffy to a record setting week (I know, I know, it's only WK2).

In good news, at least the Pogiboys have their stroke back; after last week's disastrous showing behind the arc (10 3PT in 30 games), they already have 21 3PT in only 25 games. Thanks Chauncey (and the usually rangeless Stephon Marbury)!

It looks like Eric-A and his Human Amoebas will be rocking and rolling to a victory this week after letting one slip away last week. With league-leading %'s (49.5 FG% and 86.5 FT%), low TO numbers, and pretty good numbers all across the board, the Amoebas seem to match up well with most teams and it's gonna be hard to beat them in those "forgotten" categories.

So far, most of the scores are pretty lop-sided, but as we know, anything can change with two days worth of games to play. To the headed for disaster losers out there: "Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier..."

State of the Nation - Slam

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A,

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A

Yo, you think you can hang with me in fantasy?

Can’t ya see I’m the man to beat?

I’m the baller with the freaks clad scantily,

Handsome and I’m killin’ teams handily,

I Rip more than Richard,

I booze more than Boozer,

I cut more than butcher,

Get Moore Assh than Kutcher,

Field Goals, Free Throws is just my Steal-o,

My team snatches, Points, Blocks, and Ass’s,

Lead the league in R-E-B’s & 3 pts made,

Your team sucks so bad they’re Turnin Over in their grave

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A,

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A

Notorious B.Y.N.U.M

In a stunning turn of events, the Lakers might have found the next Shaq. Well, that's going a bit far but when you already have a teenage phenom as the face of your franchise, why not add another? Presenting Andrew Bynum, all of 19 years old, putting up 20 PTS, 14 REB, and 3 BLK against the KG-led Timberwolves last night. Oh, did we mention that he's currently 38th on the player rater (according to Yahoo) and he's sitting right between Yao Ming and Ben Wallace in the Center rankings?

"I go to Jacob with 25 thou, you go with 25 hundred, wow."

Of course, this is only through five games so let's not get too excited here, but Bynum has show flashes of his coming dominance, even with main man Kobe returning to the floor. Averages of 13 PTS, 7.6 REB, 1.6 AST and 1.4 BLK (with 0.677 FG% and 0.767 FT%) show that he could be headed for great things in the future. His numbers are equitable to the Big Daddy's right now (14 PTS, 7 REB, 1.5 BLK in two games) and while we don't want to overhype anyone, Bynum has expressed a desire to sign a long contract extension with the Funk Coalition.

A Funk representative, the training room assistant, said, "It's clear that Andrew is a budding talent and with his energy and enthusiasm leading the way, I think we can assemble a young front line to help Lebron lead us into the next century. Bynum may be too good to sit on the bench, perhaps our shift to a small ball strategy was pre-mature. Look for big changes next week as we try to use some of our uber-talented big men to dominate our foes. This opinion has been sponsored by cold water Tide with extra bleach..."

Recap: Week 1

Inter-Conference Games
6-3, Fat Jubas vs Funk Coalition
5-4, Rhythm Drive vs Human Amoebas

Conference Games
6-2, Chunky Monkeys vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Buffy
5-4, Poobic Heirs vs Phanatics
5-4, Pooh Bears vs Sour Snails
(statistics)

6-2, Chunky Monkeys vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
A battle of two teams that both struggled during the opening week. The Monkeys ran away with this one (mainly behind Charlie V's outstanding work) but it was hardly impressive. The game featured inept FT shooting from both sides and was just ugly all around. The Pogiboys literally had everyone on their roster underachieve; they're looking for a big bounceback in Week 2.

5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Buffy
What a difference a three game GP gap (can) makes. Buffy loses a close one by 18 PTS and 17 REB. That's arguably one good game for Shaq, who was pretty much MIA all week --- and the MIA stands not for his team but his "missing in action" status. Chris Paul's passing eye was brilliant (32 AST) but he can't do it by himself -- can he? The Squirtles put in a very well rounded game and Carlos Boozer (62 PTS, 45 REB) went absolutely wild. And how about that ROY, Brandon? Can't complain about 55 PTS, 13 REB, and 15 AST can you?

5-4, Poobic Heirs vs Phanatics
The Phanatics put on quite a show this week, absolutely dominating in PTS and REB. However, they fell to the Poobic Heirs because they couldn't play any defense. Oops. Lamar Odom was as force while Kobe was out, and Pierce was ridiculous as expected, but someone on this team is gonna have to do the dirty work. And we don't mean shaving off Al Harrington's mohawk. The Poobs were without Kobe for a few games but they had a great all-around effort from everyone else... points and shooting from Kevin Martin, rebounds and blocks from Dalembert, and passing from Hinrich and Ricky D. Andrew Bogut lurks on the bench too, ready to replace the aging McDyess. Uh-oh for the rest of the league...

5-4, Pooh Bears vs Sour Snails
Speaking of shows, the Snails dropped in 533 PTS, 143 AST, 40 STL and 45 3PT. That's tops in the league in four categories. Of course, they lost. The Pooh Bears calmly let the Snails run-and-gun and then smacked them on the boards and the blocks, shot great, and walked home with a victory. Peja and AK were off their games, but Chris Wilcox seems to be for real (38 PTS, 26 REB, 2 TO). And of course, how you gonna beat the Matrix? Marion had 87 PTS, 40 REB, 8 AST, 6 STL, 10 BLK, 8 3PT, 51.6 FG%, 92.9 FT%. And yes, I just copied his entire stat line -- it was that good.

6-3, Fat Jubas vs Funk Coalition
The Funk take it on the head after narrowly losing out in PTS (501-505) and surprisingly, narrowly missing out on REB (139-148). In a desperate attempt to catch up, they drained 32 3PT (to 19 for Jubas) but they ended up a wee bit short. MVP for Jubas? Leandro Barbosa tore it up to the tune of 76 PTS, 18 REB/AST, 9 3PT and 6 STLS. Ai mami! (wait, that's not Brazilian...)

5-4, Rhythm Drive vs Human Amoebas
What a matchup this turned out to be. Early season surprise Quentin Richardson was fired up after his triple overtime spectacular and the Amoebas looked like they were heading to a big victory throughout the week. On the last day of the scoring period however, Chris Bosh stole a win for Rhythm Drive by pumping in 19 points and 17 rebounds. Whew, instant classic.


So, after WK1, it seems like the East got the better of the West (3-1 in Conference Games) and all that flash and dash from the coast just lead to losses. Many stars are struggling and there are numerous mid-level guys outproducing their draft value. Getting impatient? It's just the first game of the season! Even Rome wasn't built in a day!