Making Moves

Since it's early in the season, everyone's looking for the waiver wire gems sitting out there ready to help our team. Here's a quick look at what's been happening on the add/drop side of things.

West
The Sour Snails have been busy busy men, doing their very best to find the right pieces for their explosive lineup. Already they've made five waiver moves and have cut Fred Jones, Ruben Patterson, and Luther Head from their initial draft class. Head was replaced by Hakim Warrick (big upgrade) while Jones and Patterson's spots had been given away to Tim Thomas and Martell Webster. Since Timmy-T has cooled off signifcantly, management cut his ass in order to bulk up with 11-for-11 Fabricio Oberto.



All other teams in the West have made at least two waiver moves. Funk Coalition cut a beloved Celtic (Delonte West) and gained a Laker, Andrew Bynum. Darius Miles was released before the first game of the season for conduct unbecoming a basketball player. Rounding out the Funk roster is rookie Randy Foye, who has already been on the rosters of three teams (just like in real life!). It's not that we don't love you Randy, just get some damn playing time already. Rumors swirl daily that GM Yang is looking to cut some more dead weight very soon -- and oop, there goes Eddie Jones for Chucky Atkins.

The Jubas released the Pride of Puerto Rico, Carlos Arroyo, early on for Bulls rookie Thabo Sefolosha. However, he soon realized that there were more Puerto Ricans in his fan base than Swiss, so he let plain jane American Shelden Williams go (the fan base for undersized Duke power players is currently in Utah cheering on C Boozer) and snatched up Arroyo again. Viva le Puerto Rico! Andale andale!

Buffy was one of the previous owners of Randy Foye but he was quickly dropped for Luke Walton, the pride of San Diego. Despite one of the NBA's least intimidating tattoos ever (outside of Greg Ostertag's Fred Flintstone tattoo), Luke has proven his worth and taken the spot of unknown 76ers rookie Rodney Carney. Who? Exactly. American-European star Anthony Parker has come across the big ocean to replace Jarvis Hayes, who's real claim to fame is that he's currently the sixth-or-seventh best player on the Wizard's "Big Three" lineup. We'd say upgrade on both moves.

Finally, Evan dumped the ever underachieving Eddie Griffin for solid but unspectacular Kenny Thomas, pushed Donyell Marshall out the door (for Sasha Pavlovic) and then stole Andris Biedrins -- and his many blocks -- right out from under the rest of the league's owners' noses. See ya Martell Webster, hello Andris! If only Biedrins (who is from Latvia) would wear a mask like his teammate Troy Murphy, we could dub him "Dr Doom!" Actually, his countrymen just call him "Richie Rich." Biedrins is currently the youngest millionaire in his country -- and already an inspiration to young ballplayers, Latvian IRS agents, and career criminals everywhere.

East
You know who used to own Andris Biedrins? The Pogiboys. They picked him up to replace Joel Pryzbilla early on but decided that no Latvians would ultimately allowed on their team. The aging Kurt Thomas was brought on board but Biedrins' play might make that a bad move. Either way, K Thomas was released to make room for Tyronn Lue. Lue's breakout day last week showed the Pogiboy's Speedy Claxton the way to the Hawks bench. My question is, who gets to don Spud's jersey for special occassions? Lue or Claxton? (And no, Nate Robinson doesn't get to wear it unless he's traded to Atlanta).

One guy that Alvin wanted to draft, but never did, all-around talent Jalen Rose (always a Pogiboy in years past) was snatched up by The Poobic Heirs. Was there any doubt that Rose would at some point in his career play for a team with the name "Poobic Heirs?" None in my mind. Safe, and vanilla, shooter JJ Redick was unceremoniously cut by Oliver and with a wink and a laugh, new Phoenix Sun Jalen Rose was added to the roster.


Which player would you rather have? Up-and-coming Etan Thomas? Or up-and-down Kendrick Perkins? Well, Thomas is doubling up Kendrick's season stats in PTS, REB and BLK, so it looks pretty easy. Of course, it's really a crapshoot which one will be better in the long run but when in doubt, go with the Brian Grant clone (hair wise anyway) -- which the Squirtle Squad did.

The big mover and shaker from across the Rockies? It's Reno, who's really a Californian by now, as he's shown by his willingness to bring down the axe on Jordan Farmar, Kyle Lowry, and Randy Foye -- thus setting Foye toward his path of one night stands. In return, the Rhythm Drive has taken on the unguaranteed contracts for Sarunas Jasikevicius, Nate Robinson, and Ronnie Turiaff (who unseated Juan Dixon recently). What Reno should have done was to draft a doctor, as Brad Miller and Kenyon are undergoing what might prove to be difficult surgeries. Someone get this team an ambulance.


Three teams have decided that they need no help whatsoever: The Pooh Bears, the Human Amoebas, and the Phanatics. With no waiver moves, all three of these teams are declaring that they are ready to play with what they drafted. Showing tremendous patience and the rock steady hand of a true gambler, Jose, Eric-A, and Ping are going for team chemistry. Will names like Michael Finley, Ronnie Brewer, and Nene hit the wavier wire soon? Can any of these teams go through the season without making any roster moves? Only time will tell.

The Big Sleep

Mid-week stats

It hurts to be hurt. Reno's finding this out as two of his main men on the inside, Brad Miller and Kenyon Martin, go down with injuries and play not even one game. Ouch. Reno's got only 17 games played so far and that's gonna doom him to a loss. In more GP news, Oliver is trouncing Trieu on the strength of a 7-game gap. However, Trieu is always dangerous and despite being down so many games, has the edge in AST, and is within striking distance of PTS, STL and 3PT, so a big comeback could be in order.

Here's who won't be coming back: Alvin. Through no fault of his own, the Pogiboys are on the ropes as Roger is going OFF. 529 PTS, 178 REB, 114 AST, 34 STL with 33 3PT, and we still have two days worth of games to go. Ridiculous. Joe Johnson, Baron Davis, Antawn Jamison, Rashard Lewis, and Chris Paul are all having stellar weeks and that's going to push Buffy to a record setting week (I know, I know, it's only WK2).

In good news, at least the Pogiboys have their stroke back; after last week's disastrous showing behind the arc (10 3PT in 30 games), they already have 21 3PT in only 25 games. Thanks Chauncey (and the usually rangeless Stephon Marbury)!

It looks like Eric-A and his Human Amoebas will be rocking and rolling to a victory this week after letting one slip away last week. With league-leading %'s (49.5 FG% and 86.5 FT%), low TO numbers, and pretty good numbers all across the board, the Amoebas seem to match up well with most teams and it's gonna be hard to beat them in those "forgotten" categories.

So far, most of the scores are pretty lop-sided, but as we know, anything can change with two days worth of games to play. To the headed for disaster losers out there: "Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier..."

State of the Nation - Slam

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A,

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A

Yo, you think you can hang with me in fantasy?

Can’t ya see I’m the man to beat?

I’m the baller with the freaks clad scantily,

Handsome and I’m killin’ teams handily,

I Rip more than Richard,

I booze more than Boozer,

I cut more than butcher,

Get Moore Assh than Kutcher,

Field Goals, Free Throws is just my Steal-o,

My team snatches, Points, Blocks, and Ass’s,

Lead the league in R-E-B’s & 3 pts made,

Your team sucks so bad they’re Turnin Over in their grave

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A,

Fear the weeks that you have to play,

the A to the MO to the E-B-A

Notorious B.Y.N.U.M

In a stunning turn of events, the Lakers might have found the next Shaq. Well, that's going a bit far but when you already have a teenage phenom as the face of your franchise, why not add another? Presenting Andrew Bynum, all of 19 years old, putting up 20 PTS, 14 REB, and 3 BLK against the KG-led Timberwolves last night. Oh, did we mention that he's currently 38th on the player rater (according to Yahoo) and he's sitting right between Yao Ming and Ben Wallace in the Center rankings?

"I go to Jacob with 25 thou, you go with 25 hundred, wow."

Of course, this is only through five games so let's not get too excited here, but Bynum has show flashes of his coming dominance, even with main man Kobe returning to the floor. Averages of 13 PTS, 7.6 REB, 1.6 AST and 1.4 BLK (with 0.677 FG% and 0.767 FT%) show that he could be headed for great things in the future. His numbers are equitable to the Big Daddy's right now (14 PTS, 7 REB, 1.5 BLK in two games) and while we don't want to overhype anyone, Bynum has expressed a desire to sign a long contract extension with the Funk Coalition.

A Funk representative, the training room assistant, said, "It's clear that Andrew is a budding talent and with his energy and enthusiasm leading the way, I think we can assemble a young front line to help Lebron lead us into the next century. Bynum may be too good to sit on the bench, perhaps our shift to a small ball strategy was pre-mature. Look for big changes next week as we try to use some of our uber-talented big men to dominate our foes. This opinion has been sponsored by cold water Tide with extra bleach..."

Recap: Week 1

Inter-Conference Games
6-3, Fat Jubas vs Funk Coalition
5-4, Rhythm Drive vs Human Amoebas

Conference Games
6-2, Chunky Monkeys vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Buffy
5-4, Poobic Heirs vs Phanatics
5-4, Pooh Bears vs Sour Snails
(statistics)

6-2, Chunky Monkeys vs MoRRie's Pogiboys
A battle of two teams that both struggled during the opening week. The Monkeys ran away with this one (mainly behind Charlie V's outstanding work) but it was hardly impressive. The game featured inept FT shooting from both sides and was just ugly all around. The Pogiboys literally had everyone on their roster underachieve; they're looking for a big bounceback in Week 2.

5-4, Squirtle Squad vs Buffy
What a difference a three game GP gap (can) makes. Buffy loses a close one by 18 PTS and 17 REB. That's arguably one good game for Shaq, who was pretty much MIA all week --- and the MIA stands not for his team but his "missing in action" status. Chris Paul's passing eye was brilliant (32 AST) but he can't do it by himself -- can he? The Squirtles put in a very well rounded game and Carlos Boozer (62 PTS, 45 REB) went absolutely wild. And how about that ROY, Brandon? Can't complain about 55 PTS, 13 REB, and 15 AST can you?

5-4, Poobic Heirs vs Phanatics
The Phanatics put on quite a show this week, absolutely dominating in PTS and REB. However, they fell to the Poobic Heirs because they couldn't play any defense. Oops. Lamar Odom was as force while Kobe was out, and Pierce was ridiculous as expected, but someone on this team is gonna have to do the dirty work. And we don't mean shaving off Al Harrington's mohawk. The Poobs were without Kobe for a few games but they had a great all-around effort from everyone else... points and shooting from Kevin Martin, rebounds and blocks from Dalembert, and passing from Hinrich and Ricky D. Andrew Bogut lurks on the bench too, ready to replace the aging McDyess. Uh-oh for the rest of the league...

5-4, Pooh Bears vs Sour Snails
Speaking of shows, the Snails dropped in 533 PTS, 143 AST, 40 STL and 45 3PT. That's tops in the league in four categories. Of course, they lost. The Pooh Bears calmly let the Snails run-and-gun and then smacked them on the boards and the blocks, shot great, and walked home with a victory. Peja and AK were off their games, but Chris Wilcox seems to be for real (38 PTS, 26 REB, 2 TO). And of course, how you gonna beat the Matrix? Marion had 87 PTS, 40 REB, 8 AST, 6 STL, 10 BLK, 8 3PT, 51.6 FG%, 92.9 FT%. And yes, I just copied his entire stat line -- it was that good.

6-3, Fat Jubas vs Funk Coalition
The Funk take it on the head after narrowly losing out in PTS (501-505) and surprisingly, narrowly missing out on REB (139-148). In a desperate attempt to catch up, they drained 32 3PT (to 19 for Jubas) but they ended up a wee bit short. MVP for Jubas? Leandro Barbosa tore it up to the tune of 76 PTS, 18 REB/AST, 9 3PT and 6 STLS. Ai mami! (wait, that's not Brazilian...)

5-4, Rhythm Drive vs Human Amoebas
What a matchup this turned out to be. Early season surprise Quentin Richardson was fired up after his triple overtime spectacular and the Amoebas looked like they were heading to a big victory throughout the week. On the last day of the scoring period however, Chris Bosh stole a win for Rhythm Drive by pumping in 19 points and 17 rebounds. Whew, instant classic.


So, after WK1, it seems like the East got the better of the West (3-1 in Conference Games) and all that flash and dash from the coast just lead to losses. Many stars are struggling and there are numerous mid-level guys outproducing their draft value. Getting impatient? It's just the first game of the season! Even Rome wasn't built in a day!