In what many have already provocatively implied is the greatest basketball related conspiracy since Ewing went to the Knickerbockers, co-commissioner and draft arranger Jon "somehow" ends up with the number one pick. How convenient. Amid hisses and boos, Jon steps up to the podium and says that he'll renounce his throne if it pleases the fans and his fellow owners. A special presidential committee consisting of the late Richard Nixon, the wholesome Bill Clinton, and straight talker George W Bush has been convened to look into this matter. Michael Moore will release the results in a documentary entitled "Lebron & Me: Balling for Championships" -- look for it in theatres everywhere in 4-6 months.
Pick #1-4
Hurrying to make his pick, GM Jon decides to go with the obvious choice here, young sensation Lebron James. After fielding a few calls about trading down, it was decided that it would be better to stay put until cooler heads prevailed. Draft commentator and general nosy guy Isiah Thomas immediately says this is the worst pick of all time and says that he would have parlayed the #1 overall pick into Eddy Curry, Michael Olowankandi, Joe Smith, and a free trip to Vegas.
Eric-A, whose eye for talent rivals that of both Joe Dumars and Red Auerbach combined, immediately picks the most skilled white guy available, which turns out to be 7-footer Dirk Nowitzki. The other draft commentator, Dennis Rodman says, "Dirk's white like Larry, they're both overrated. If I were a few shades lighter and had less tattoos, I could shoot too." In the hopes of cloning Nowitzki, Eric-A has had two babies in the past few years, one destined to shoot like Dirk, the other fated to grow to 7-feet like him. Should Eric-A's young sons, Isaiah and Ethan, make it to the NBA, they could be collectively known as "IE" -- which would immediately give them both geek and grammar street cred.Moving right along, Eric-L, he of no children but multitudes of Magic cards, decides to draft last season's playoff giant killer, Dwayne Wade. Cunningly re-nicknamed "The Ring" this year (in reference to Lebron's "The King"), Wade will bring his usual clutch play as he tries to acquire a shiny fantasy ring for Eric-L. ...You know, the Heat's team colors (red-black) make for quite a "wrecking ball." Perhaps Eric-L is looking to "destroy target creature or land?" Haha, um, bad Magic joke.
Jose, known otherwise as the more mysterious "J," is in the envious position of selecting the free-falling Kobe Bryant. Of course, Kobe is a punk so nobody really wants him unless a gun is put to their head so J decides to take the multi-faceted Shawn Marion instead. Despite not possessing the scoring ability of Kobe -- not with that shot certainly -- Marion is a coveted commodity for his all-around abilities and superior defensive skills (2 STL, 1.7 BLK). More importantly, as spokesman and protector of the 100-Acre Woods, what does J feel about Disney's dastardly plan to bring a girl into the world of Winnie the Pooh?
Pick #5-8
Speaking of Pooh, what about those Poobic Heirs? Sinking down to depths he never imagined he would, Kobe Bryant is taken reluctantly by Oliver, who isn't exactly a fan of Kobe but given the choice between Kobe and the now 40-year old Vlade Divac, he took Kobe. Very Jerry West-ian of him; could turn out to be the absolute steal of the draft. Speaking of Oliver, the best email address I've ever seen was that of another Oliver I know. His email address was: oliverclothesoff@aol.com, which may still be available at other email providers just in case you needed a new email. Not safe for family email groups though.
In somewhat of a stunning move, young buck Gilbert Arenas gets snatched off the board by savvy Chunky Monkeys GM Evan. Arenas seems like the next Kobe mixed with a bit of the next Artest, but that could mean great things ahead. It's hard to argue with 29 PTS, 6 AST, 4 REB, 2.5 3PT, 2 STL, and still more upside. Many an owner was hoping Arenas would fall to them in the lower half of the first round but Evan decided to preempt any fantasies by taking Gilbert at number six. Savvy, just like Captain Jack Sparrow...It wasn't that long ago when Kevin Garnett was the best fantasy player in the land. "The Kid" is now 31 and has seemingly lost his luster. Perhaps doomed to crap teams his entire career, KG is still a one man show. His stats have "dipped" in the past few years but 21-13-4 with 1.5 STL and BLK still covers alot of a team's needs. Rumor has it that GM Brian has won 4 out of 5 fantasy football championships in the East Conference's 16-team league. That's insane. Think about it, 4 out of 5. Rumor has it that Brian also has the same magic with fantasy basketball teams. Should we really have given this man KG?
Roger, who I just found out is himself 6'1 and over 200 pounds, has been seen on the courts of UCLA playing with some of the local pros (Baron Davis to name one). Forget fantasy basketball, we need to draft Roger to come play regular basketball with us. Eric-A and Alvin, what do you think? Could the Jedi use a big guy who can run the break and drain the three? Just maybe right? Seeing as Roger might be the promised one, he understands the value of having a great point guard on the floor. The next great point guard is here, and his name is Chris Paul. After just one year in the league, Paul is already putting up 8 AST, 2 STL, and 5 REB a game. Plus, his scoring and shooting are bound to improve with age. Maybe Roger can help him out with that.Pick #9-12
One of the owners who lusted after Arenas was Alvin. While he missed out on one of his preferred candidates, he was able to get the steady Elton Brand, which seems like a great pick at #9. Elton is essentially a Karl Malone-clone with added BLKs. While leading the Clippers back into the playoffs, Elton had an MVP type year and will probably duplicate his numbers this year with a well stocked Clipper team. That just sounds funny doesn't it?
With the 10th pick in the draft, Ping goes for the ultimate alliteration and takes Paul Pierce. I can't wait for Ping's first article to come out, which will read something like this "Paul Pierce, of Ping's Phanatics..." Oh, fun times ahead. We thank Ping for coming to American soil during our draft time. We know it was a long journey from China, but it sure makes it easier to draft for the rest of us. A big thank you for coming all this way. Ni hao ma! Xie Xie!
Newcomer Trieu (pronounced "tree-you") brings his on-court game to the fantasy world by selecting Steve Nash. Nail the three, pass the rock, cut for a nifty lay up, get the key steal, he has it all -- and Stevie's not too bad either.I'll leave Reno's team for the next post, since this one is running way the hell too long and I lost the point of a "draft diary."
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