The "Fantasy" Draft: Part 1

If we conducted a fantasy draft of anyone in the world right now, who would each team select? Welcome to the world and wacky world of "What If?!?"

What do you get the team that is chock full of shooters and passers? Why, the greatest shooter and passer of all time of course! Larry Legend, welcome to the Funk Coalition. With the Quicken Arena rocking with chants of "Le-Bron, Le-Bron" and "La-rry, La-rry" this is place where (fantasy) banners will be raised. Larry Bird can do it all -- shoot the three, fight for rebounds like a 12th man, make free throws lefty, and even get a few steals with his amazing anticipation. His one "weakness" is a lack of BLK ability but really, this team can't BLK for shit anyway.

The Human Amoebas have just about everything on their team; a studly front line (Dirk-Amare-Big Ben-Zach Randolph), a versatile point guard in Jason Kidd, and some shooters to spread the floor in Rip Hamilton and Raja Bell. The Amoebas do need some more leadership, passing ability, and scoring punch. Welcome hometown hero Isiah Thomas -- the player not the general manager. Not only is Isiah a part-way inspiration for Eric-A's first son (Isaiah), he's a feisty leader who can dish and score with the best of them. Plus, he's used to the Pistons jersey, and new-classic Pistons like Ben Wallace and Rip Hamilton will instantly bond with him. Isiah may be charming on the outside with his cutesy smile, but he's really a ruthless assassin at heart. Perfect for this team.

Eric-L needs a healthy dose of.....well, health. While his team has a number of outstanding players, they do tend to get hurt quite a lot. Dwayne Wade is a high flying bulldozer and that puts him on the bench quite a bit. Tracy McGrady is constantly hurt and hasn't played a full season in forever. Jermaine O'Neal has suffered from shoulder injuries -- although his fist seems to be fine. Corey Maggette is not exactly the invulnerable man-stud he looks like. Even Josh Howard gets dinged up once in awhile. What this team needs is a doctor. And who better to draft than a wrinkly, sub-five foot healer who possesses magical powers? No, not Dr Ruth, we mean E.T. -- the Extra Terrestrial! With just one touch of his magical finger, E.T. would heal all and get the Fat Jubas on the court in no time flat in order to soar to a championship.

With the intriguingly lanky duo of Shawn Marion and Andrei Kirilenko covering every statistical category on the planet, who better to add to that odd combo than our favorite Sudanese basketball "star," Manute Bol. The original air up there, Manute is versatility personified. He can be tall, he can be thin, he can block shots, he can be a humanitarian, and he can box -- beating Refrigerator Perry in an unanimous decision. Plus he can drain threes at an amazing rate (during blowouts) with an unorthodox shot that is similar but completely different than Marion's. What more could you want for your team than a 7'7", shot blocking, slingshot shooting center?

What do Lorraine Bracco and Nicole Kidman have to do with basketball? Well, as Kobe knows, behind every strong man is a beautiful woman -- or two, or three. Lorraine Bracco is the acclaimed psychologist on the Sopranos who helps Tony with his issues. And to say that this team has issues is an understatement. Ignoring Kobe altogether, we still have nut cases Rasheed Wallace and Ricky Davis on board. You know, Rasheed, he of the anger management problems and Ricky D, the player who once tried to create his own fake rebound in order to secure a triple-double? And let's not forget, Caron Butler used to play side by side with Kobe, and he undoubtably has some latent emotional issues to deal with. So what is Nicole Kidman around to do (aside from tempting Kobe)? Interpret of course! Yao is Chinese; Rasheed and Ricky are crazy; Kobe is Italian, an asshole, and stand-offish; Bogut is Australian; and Hinrich is white; they're gonna need some serious help communicating and coping. Plus, two chicks are always better than one. Arguably.

With the next pick in the 2006 Fantasy Draft, Chunky Monkey's GM Evan selects...Barry Sanders. Finally, an unrequited love affair consumated; even if Barry is retired and originally a football player. Barry is a freak of nature like Josh Smith, a solid citizen like Tim Duncan, and crazy motivated like Gilbert Arenas -- well, up until he suddenly retired in 1999. Barry's back and Evan finally has him on his fantasy team. A dream come true. Can Evan break through and win a championship now? Most certainly. Old Detroit saying: "Where's there's a Barry there's a way."